Avoidant Attachment Style vs. Narcissistic Personality Disorder

A common discussion I have with women who are dating or in a relationship is the question: how do I know if my partner (or the person I am pursuing) has an avoidant attachment style or narcissistic personality disorder? The behaviors of narcissistic personality disorder and avoidant attachment can often look quite similar, but what’s beneath the surface and the underling root cause can very much differ. So let’s get into it.

Avoidant Attachment Style

The core wound of an avoidant attachment style is abandonment. This usually stems from a person not having their emotional needs met in some very critical way at a young age. An example could be, when a baby cries and cries and is not soothed by any caregiver. An unconscious belief begins to form: if my emotional needs won’t be met, then what is the point of having emotional needs at all? As a result of this, there is a deactivation of their attachment needs and a hyper-activation on their exploratory system. As an adult, this can look like over-working or over-functioning, and they often feel very smothered in relationships. This person is typically very hyper-independent because they learned at such an early age that they cannot rely on others.

Narcissistic Personality Disorder

With narcissistic personality disorder, the core pain is not being the best. It’s important to keep in mind that while some people do have narcissistic traits, that doesn’t necessarily mean they meet the full criteria for narcissistic personality disorder. With narcissistic personality disorder, there is a very fragile ego that needs to be fed. A healthy ego identity is when there is an authentic relationship with oneself—there is a foundation where we are not overly-reliant on external validation. With a fragile ego, the hunger for external validation continues to re-emerge again and again. We see this with narcissistic personality disorder along with other people who might lack a strong sense of self.

A classic narcissistic personality disorder behavior is the “hook and discard”. The “hook” feeds the fragile ego—this can often look like love-bombing or seduction in the early stages of dating. Once that ego is fed or they no longer have use for the other, the other is discarded (which can look like ghosting or the other being abruptly abandoned). Relationships with someone with NPD can also feel very transactional, as in, ”things are only good if they are good for me”, or “what can it do for me?".

People with narcissistic personality disorder can often have a natural talent, be very conventionally attractive, or be very successful, which feeds the excessive need for admiration throughout their life.

So to sum it up…

With an avoidant attachment style, the core wound is abandonment and they are typically a very self-reliant person. They might easily feel smothered in relationships, and need a lot of space, independence, and freedom. They might associate relationships or commitment with a lack of freedom or a lack of independence.

With narcissistic personality disorder, the core pain is not being the best. There is often a lack of empathy, a disregard for others feelings, and an excessive need for admiration from others because of that fragile ego. This person can be very charming and manipulative, and this type of pathology can be overt (very outward and obvious), but it can also be covert (less obvious to others and much more subtle).

If you are struggling in a relationship or with dating because you’re navigating either of the above, therapy can help. It’s important to not take on any responsibility that is not yours to carry, and to put energy towards maintaining your own boundaries and preserving your sense of self.

If you are looking for a therapist in Houston or anywhere in Texas, feel free to explore my website to see if we might be a good fit to work together. I specialize in working with women navigating relationships and attachment trauma, and would be happy to support you on your journey.